Introducing The 2004 DeVine 9^1/2

Matt Kenseth

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Matt's one of my favorite names... 17 is my birthday number... Yellow and black are sharp colors... Matt carries himself like a gentleman and seldom has a post-race hissy fit or a helmet-pitching tantrum...

Matt captured his first Cup (the final Winston Cup) in 2003, despite winning only once, in Las Vegas. He took over the points lead the next week when he finished 4th in Atlanta, and he never turned aloose of it again. While the Busch series last year boiled down to a terrific five-man battle for the championship, the Cup became more and more of a lock each week. Largely because of TV considerations, I imagine -- I blame NBC -- NASCAR redesigned the points system for 2004 so that a big season-long lead like Matt's in 2003 would essentially be vaporized with 10 races to go -- the leader will be just five points up on the 2nd guy at the start of the new, 10-race Chase for the Championship. (See my attempt at an explanation of this new system elsewhere on the site.)

Now, I don't want to say that Matt reacted to this like a slap in the face, but it was pretty clearly intended to stop championships like his -- and understandably, his remarks on the topic have been negative. It's easy to pile on Matt for being boring in 2003, and I did remark last year that sometimes pulling for the #17 was sort of like watching somebody go to work every day -- meanwhile, Ryan Newman was flipping and burning and winning eight incredible races. But in this story, there's one of those dad-like lessons: Sure, Ryan was more fun to watch, but if you had to hire one guy to work for you, would it be the guy who drove around all year and had almost no wrecks, or the guy who was like an upside down freight-train going 180 mph? There's a lot to be said for consistency.

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Las Vegas: How's this for playing the numbers--Matt drives the 17; he started 17th at Vegas; he got his first and only win of 2003 at Vegas; and he has never started better than 17 in any of his seven Cup wins! How weird is that?... Bristol: Matt was leading when 2nd-place Jeff Gordon passed him (along with some lapped cars) under yellow. NASCAR ruled against Jeff -- but later reversed their decision... Talladega II: Matt had his first DNF of the season. He blamed "bad parts." We said, "have you driven a Ford lately?"... Kansas: More bad luck the very next week when Matt crashed while trying to avoid a spinning Mikey... Rockingham: Matt sealed the deal and was crowned Winston Cup Champion! NBC went live to a sports bar in Matt's hometown of Cambridge, Wis., and they showed his mama, and so many happy townspeople!

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Any further rule changes that seem directed squarely against him in particular... Guys in a long dry spell who'll take any chance to beat the champ... The tendency to be a really boring champion, like Tony Stewart was. I've heard on TV that Matt is a crazy clown in private -- he needs to bring more of that to the track and his interviews!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Dale Jr. is the ultimate dude. To quote a line from "The Simpsons," "All the guys want to be like him; all the women think they can change him"... That mighty red Monte Carlo is something to see... Jr. comes across as both passionate and lazy, a sexy combination you have to be Southern to truly appreciate... Jr.'s private life seems to revolve around the "Dirty Mo' Posse," or more simply, "my buddies" ... Jr. has three kitty-cats, and one is named "Buddy Love!"... #1 on Foxsports' sexiest driver poll...

Dale Jr. has always been on my favorites list ever since I first started watching NASCAR in the wake of the tragic death of his father. He seems to personify everything good about racing: its Southernness; its wackiness; its manly buddy factor. It is fitting that Jr. appears on the DeVine 91/2 right after Matt, because they were rookies together. In his fun and informative book "Driver # 8," Baby E talks about how everyone in 2000 assumed he and Matt were sworn enemies, since they were rivals for Rookie of the Year, but in reality that palled around together and got along great. (It was a relief to read that, because one time, at the World's Most Famous Beach, at the racing store Daytona 2000, I bought "8" and "17" stickers for my car, and the clerk gal looked at me so suspicious and said, "I've never seen ANYONE buy THAT combination!!" I half-expected the pairing to produce some terrible by-product, like whatever it is you don't want to mix with bleach, or you'll make cyanide! But all that actually happened was that the "8" sticker wimped out really bad and peeled off my car, while the "17" still looks brand-new! Go figure.)

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Las Vegas: FOX revealed that Jr.'s favorite recording artist was Ludacris... Atlanta: We learned that one of the charities that benefit from Jr.'s foundation is the Humane Society of Charlotte... Talladega: Jr. won after passing Matt for the lead, but in doing so he went below the yellow line, which is not allowed there. But NASCAR ruled that Jr. had been "forced" below the line, and did not go there to improve his position. The controversy over this finish continues to swirl... The Winston: during the queeny driver and crew intros (so very like the beginning of the Miss South Carolina Pageant), Jr. got the night's biggest ovation... The summertime brought us the Dale Sr. tribute concert from Daytona International Speedway, which looked like a real fun party. Jr. and Teresa Earnhardt MC'd the whole show, and Jr. looked really cute in cut-off khakis. The best part was when big Kenny Chesney tucked Jr. into his muscular, fuzzy armpit and got Jr. to sing with him on "Back Where I Come From"... New Hampshire: The NBC announcers said Jr.'s team was saying they were playing it too conservative, and they were going for the win "no matter what!" We got the proof when the #8 spun out the #2 car of Rusty Wallace. Jr. finished 5th... Dover: After leading three different times, Jr. got loose and spun on a turn, hitting the wall backwards on the driver's side. The crash did not look too bad, so we were horrified when the car-cam showed Jr. all slumped in his seat, unconscious. We were all so scared until they said he was OK... Talladega: "Can Jr. race?" was the question on America's lips all week long, and Jr. did indeed pilot the #8 car at the next week at the track where people love him so much they shave "#8" into their children's hair. In a pre-show interview, Jr. said his mother had called up all excited during the recent Miss America Pageant because Miss Louisiana had said she was a big fan of NASCAR racing and Dale Jr.! We too loved that part of the pageant, and even gave her a vote in our wagering on account of it. Then, who should give the start command but Ericka Dunlap, our new Miss America! How cool! I mean, if the top rapper can be a white dude, then it's perfect for Miss America to be a hot black chick who worked at Opryland and starts a NASCAR race!... Jr. did not make it five Big T's in a row; Mikey won... Atlanta: During a rain delay, NBC ran an interview in which Jr. said he hates to exercise but likes to box, so he had bought a real boxing ring off of e-Bay where he and his buddies can spar. He said it can get "pretty wild" after some beers! That's kinda hot, but Jr., what about all your previous head injuries?... Phoenix: Finally, a win for #8 at a non-plate track. Jr. teased us at first, leading just one lap, then taking over for two lengthy runs to the checkers. The crowd was never happier, of course. Jr. was so lit up and funny: At the press center during post-race interviews, a hot babe ran up to the glass window and flashed her boobies at Jr. "I said, 'Look at that! What a great day!'" he recalled happily.

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Teammate Mikey, who definitely wants more of the same plate-track wins Jr. will be going after... The millions of fans who love him so much we just want to drink Buds with him till we're crazy-drunk, then tickle him and roll around laughing, man!

Jeff Gordon

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Cute... rich... looks like he knows how to spend it having fun... Shops at Belk's in Charlotte's South Park Mall, just like a regular person... #3 on Foxsports' sexiest driver poll...

Jeff Gordon is the favorite driver of my mother, Mother DeVine. She bristles at any suggestion that he is "pretty" ("He is HANDSOME!") and she defends him from his detractors' boos with this: "Jeff Gordon is a good Christian man who has been smart with his money. It's no wonder a lot of these racing drunks don't like him." Ouch, Mama! But I know what she means, and I like Gordon in part because for years, mean fans have dogged Jeff as gay -- there was the "Fans Against Gordon" rainbow flag T-shirt, and there was that rude country song about Jeff that some redneck DJ got fired for playing. All this makes us like Jeff even more. Most of all, we like Jeff this year for NOT showing up at the White House when the fake president summoned the other drivers there after last season!

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Darlington: Post-divorce, Jeff started to look super-fine! So relaxed and foxy on Speed's "Trackside"... Martinsville: Jeff took his first win in 15 races. He got the lead by nudging Bobby Labonte up the track, drawing a mix of cheers and boos from the crowd of 86,000... Dover: After wrecking out the #40 at the Coke the week before, Jeff wrecks him out again! "We have to have a talk with him," Sterling said sternly... Sonoma: This week, I gave an interview to The Star, and the reporter tried every which way to make me say Jeff is gay or at least that he is the favorite of the gays, and I wouldn't say either, and he still make me the centerpiece of his little article, which he called "Gaytona!"... Daytona: USA Today ran a big piece on how Jeff is so happy and laughing all the time now that he has got shed of that old Brooke! He sure looked like it... Watkins Glen: Greg Biffle turned pole-sitter Jeff all around, and everyone hollered "revenge!" for when Jeff wouldn't give Greg his lap back at New Hampshire. Then Jeff fought his way back to the front, just to run out of gas and get run over by Kevin Harvick... Darlington: NBC took us aboard the huge yacht that Jeff keeps up near New York City, where he has an apartment and a girlfriend, former Atlantan Amanda Church... Talladega: In an amusing moment during this high-speed, close-up duel, Jeff complained that teammate Jimmie Johnson was "up my butt!"... Martinsville: Jeff completed his sweep of the track for 2003... Atlanta: Jeff took the rain-slogged, two-day event... Phoenix: Think drivers can't "bitch-slap" each other on the track? Well, you didn't see Jeff's #24 and the #29 of Kevin Harvick go at it at Phoenix!

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Harvick and most of the other drivers... lots of the fans... muscle strains associated with hauling around huge amounts of money... Millions of lovestruck older ladies all over the country.

Kevin Harvick

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Lean, foxy, funny racing machine... Great smile... Not afraid to drive hard on the track.

Kevin seems like one of those kids who'd pick on you because he likes you. He's definitely got some crazy anti-chemistry with Jeff. Kevin beat Jeff for his first Cup win in the historic Atlanta spring race of 2001 (just after he stepped into the ride left vacant by the death of Dale Sr.), and they haven't been shy about battling since. Recently, we saw Kevin on QVC's "For Race Fans Only," and when Dan Hughes held up a Jeff Gordon jacket, Kevin got all silly and said, "Oh, that's a PRETTY jacket for Jeff!" Dude just can't leave it alone, I tell you.

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Pocono: Kevin brought his huge and very handsome German Shepherd dog on "Trackside." The doggy's name is Indy... Chicago: All eyes were on Kevin, who had won both Cup races won at this new track. But he ran out of gas with three laps to go -- even though he and the winner, Ryan Newman, had pitted last at the same time... Indianapolis: Kevin started on the pole and took the checkers too!... Watkins Glen: A big, brief fire erupts in Kevin's pit, but he speeds off like nothing happened... Richmond: The Rock & Roll 400 lived up to its name, as Kevin, furious at Ricky Rudd for knocking him from 2nd back to 16th, rubbed on Rudd, then jumped up and down on his car after the race! Fines, fines for everyone, NASCAR said... Kansas: As more questions arose about how Ryan Newman can win so many races with so little gas, cheating was inevitably mentioned. This week, Kevin said of Ryan's alleged fuel-mileage savvy, "If he can do that with his foot, then he's a magician. And I will kiss his butt if he's doing it with his foot."... Homestead/Miami: Kevin's car wobbled up into Ryan, who got into Kurt Busch, totally knocking the #97 out of the top 10, about which Kurt was most bitter in his interviews.

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Jeff Gordon... Kurt Busch (whom Kevin dubbed "Rubberhead"... Ryan Newman (nobody likes to be accused of cheating.)

Ryan Newman

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Cuddly, shy-acting, big-boy charm... An amazing wizard behind the wheel (could that engineering degree from Purdue have anything to do with it?)

There are so many reasons to adore Newman. We love it that he beat out Jimmie Johnson for 2002 Rookie of the Year. He definitely seems like one of the smarter, calmer guys on the track -- yet ironically, he gave us some of the most hair-curling wrecks of 2003 -- turning and burning, rolling and tumbling! As Ryan racked up victory after victory, I was among the first to predict that, though Matt might take the Cup, Ryan would prove to be the heart and soul of the 2003 NASCAR season -- and boy was I ever right. If he's able to recapture that momentum this year and avoid all those huge wrecks, watch out for Ryan Newman!

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Daytona: Ryan grabbed mega-headlines when he bounced off the wall, then went flipping through the infield in an incredible crash! It was really a shocker, and we were so glad to see him climb out OK. That day set the tone for Ryan's season: major acclaim and spectacular disappointment... Texas: Now dubbed "Flyin Ryan," Newman sailed to victory... Talladega: Ryan cut down a rear tire, setting off a lap 4 pile-up that turned out to be the biggest wreck in Talladega history -- 27 cars! The #12 was one of four that were finished for the day... California: Pole-sitter Steve Park got wobbly (surprise) in the first lap, wrecking Ryan out for the day in that crash... Dover: Ryan got his mojo back, starting on the pole, leading the most laps, and winning!... Michigan: While everyone was watching for a track duel between Ryan and Tony Stewart, on account of a gimme-my-lap-back-bitch situation at Dover, Ryan blew an engine, which poured fire and smoke into the car. Ryan's spotter skillfully guided him, fully in flames and running over 100 mph, to the closest fire truck, and Ryan jumped out. Mercy! From Flyin Ryan to Fryin Ryan!... Chicago: Ryan wins again!... Pocono: When Ryan climbed out in victory lane (looking showroom fresh, how does it do that after hours in a hot car?), I made a prediction I'm proud of: That no matter who took the Cup, Ryan would be seen as the heart and soul of the 2003 season... Michigan: The #12 team makes took victory number five!... Darlington: While fumbling with his suck-jug on a pit stop, Ryan accidentally hit the kill switch, losing a mess of time and track position... Richmond: Ryan took win number six under the lights!... Dover: Ryan made it two-for-two, racking up his seventh win... Talladega: In a pre-race interview, we met Ryan's sweetie Chrissy Boyle. Ryan said he met her on "my first and last blind date."... Kansas: After Ryan grabbed his eighth victory, an announcer gushed that he was "the golden boy of 2003." Now, do y'all remember who said that first? However, other drivers and the press openly discussed whether cheating was involved in all these fuel-milage victories. Personally, we think it would be hard to hide a tea-cup full of gas from these Cup car inspectors!

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

All these inspectors, sniffing around, asking a lot of nosy questions... Accusations from jealous drivers who haven't figured out how to stretch a gallon of gas.

Tony Stewart

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Like Jeff Gordon, Tony is the object of a lot of meanness at the track, and that makes us feel sorry for him... Tony's 2002 Cup Championship showed he means business... Home Depot is based in our hometown of Atlanta, and we like what's good for business... Tony has (or used to have, at least) a high entertainment value on the track and in the pits... #2 on Foxsports' sexiest driver poll...

Tony was another of the first drivers we latched onto when we got into NASCAR. His calm-but-crazy affect makes for lots of excitement. In 2002, Tony won the Cup in spite of being heavily fined by NASCAR and Home Depot on account of some anger management problems. In 2003, though, Tony just didn't get (or didn't create) many good story lines. He often seemed sort of bored with it all. Come on, Smoke! Don't be afraid to jump up and down on somebody's car! Plus, Tony's commercials were just creepy, especially the one where he shaved his legs for Lance Armstrong, and the one when he said, "Winning feels good. Sweating doesn't." Yuck!

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Talladega: Tony reminded us of "Old Tony" when he and his "posse" and Kurt Busch and his "posse" stomped around hollering at each other like crazy street queens after the race -- Kurt even squirted water from his suck-jug in Tony's general direction!... Martinsville: Tony tried to spin Elliott Sadler out after the show... Dover: Tony angrily bumped Ryan in revenge for a "no lap-back thingy."... Pocono: Tony scored his first win since August 2002. Pre-race, all the talk was over whether Tony was being a baby about the lap-back thingy... Pocono: No sweep for Smoke -- his car tore up while he was running 2nd! At the time, NBC was showing a cartoon of the inside of a motor... Indianapolis: 300,000 roared to their feet when Tony took the lead, but tire troubles later had him finishing 12th... Charlotte: Tony wins under the lights!

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Most of the other drivers... The tendency to get more and more boring.

Kurt Busch

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Kurt has that "hot nerd" thing going on... We love a guy with a big nose... Rubbermaid/Sharpie is based in Atlanta, and we like things that are good for business... Las Vegas is a cool hometown!

Tony Stewart must have breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that Kurt Busch was to become 2003's most despised driver. Kurt ran a good season, but he was knocked form the top 10 in the final race, and what might have been his greatest moment in the sun (the Bristol night victory) instead had the feeling of a operatic tragedy. We know a little something about Kurt, and have heard that some of his business relations pick him as a pity-partner for golf because he has no other friends! That's sad. Lighten up, Kurt! You're from Las Vegas! Surely you learned something there about having a good time!

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Rockingham: Kurt tried valiantly to stop the hard-charging Dale Jarrett... Darlington: Kurt made another terrific stand, this time to stop Ricky Craven, but fell short again... Bristol: Kurt took his first win of the year... Talladega: Kurt slung suck-jug water at Tony is a post-race hissy fit!... California: Kurt became the season's first two-time winner... Charlotte: Kurt's car sported a cute, old-timey icicle design to Rubbermaid's "Blue Ice" product... Michigan: Kurt won again!... Michigan: In a major post-race dust-up, Jimmy Spencer punched Kurt in the nose while Kurt was sitting in his racecar, screaming at Jimmy. These guys had clashed previously, with Kurt in 2002 calling Jimmy "a dinosaur" who couldn't even be "a has-been" because he was "a never-was." As more became known about the situation, it was clear that Kurt had been very provocative to Jimmy. But it was still wrong of big Jimmy to beat up on lil Kurt like that... Bristol: Kurt won after mixing it up with Casey Mears and Sterling Marlin. Kurt climbed from his car amid a hail of boos from the sold-out crowd. Later, Kevin said that Kurt was "learning what being a butthole will get you." The controversy simmers for weeks... Kansas: A big fire inside the #97 car is "caught on tape" by the car-cam... Atlanta: After the Busch race, as I stagger across the parking lot wearing a #97 shirt, a drunk lurches toward me slurring, "Rubberhead! Rubberhead!"... Miami: An accident set off by Kevin Harvick knocks Ryan out of the top 10 for the year.

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Jimmy Spencer... Kevin Harvick... Lots of other drivers... Getting whiny.

Jamie McMurray

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Lawsy me, where to start? Gorgeous face, and a smile to warm the coldest day... Extremely sexy "surfer-dude" accent... Not afraid to show up at the track with new highlights... One of the smartest guys on the track... Love that new black and red Texaco design on the car... #10 on Foxsports; sexiest driver poll ("And I hepped!")...

This guy right here -- this is the guy! We could talk all night about why we love Jamie -- and often, we do! Jamie's the driver we'd most like to ride shotgun with and do shotguns with. Every single interview that ever runs about this guy talks about his wonderful, sunny disposition, and how easy-going and friendly he is. Gorgeous, not stuck-up, and fun -- wrap him up, honey, I'll take him!

Jamie was rocketed to rockstar-level fame on Oct. 13, 2002, at Lowe's Motor Speedway when, as the substitute driver for the injured Sterling Marlin, he roared to his first Cup victory in only his second Cup start! This set a record for the modern era! I'll always remember that day: We immediately took to this determined youth who sliced his way to the front of the pack, and as the laps ran down, we were screaming with happiness at our house. Then our girlfriend Janet rang up, and she and her crew were all on their feet screaming at over at their house! On Victory Lane, Jamie whooped and jubilated like the happiest boy in the whole round world. It's really about my favorite NASCAR moment so far! Later that same year in Atlanta, we were thrilled out of our minds to be present when Jamie won his first-ever Busch race! We like him so much that we often "help Jamie " through a powerful ritual that involves lime, salt, and shouts of exultation, and shots of golden Sauza Hornitos tequila, fresh from the freezer! "Hey senor! That's some tequila muy bueno!"

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Daytona: At full speed, the crowded field nudged the #42's left tires onto the grass -- Jamie saved it masterfully, drawing lavish praise from three-time Cup Champion Darryl Waltrip! And it was just the first race of Jamie's rookie year!... Rockingham: Jamie ran hard and finished 5th! Could it be that fabulous new spiky haircut and those shimmering highlights?... Atlanta: It is reported that Jamie is being considered for a reality show on FX about car racers! (I assume this was the show that ended up being "NBS 24/7" on Speed, that's going to follow three Busch guys through the year.)... "Call-eee-fornee-ah:" Arnold Schwarzenegger was at the track to show off his ad for "T3" ad on Jamie's car. Hey said "Boogity, boogity, boogity!" and made it sound Absolutly terrifying. (Scarier still, I reported this week that movie designer Eric Luling had tipped us that Ahnold had made the big pic in California instead of somewhere much less expensive because he was going to run for governor, and wanted to seem like a loyal citizen. Gee, wish we'd been wrong about this one!)... Chicago: Jamie ran hard and landed an 8th-place finish... Indianapolis: Jamie swept past car after car, taking spot after spot, then the lead! He surely would have won but for a late-race restart, at which time Robbie Gordon handed the victory to teammate Kevin Harvick by boxing Jamie's faster car in. ALL the post-race coverage was about how Jamie's car was fastest... Michigan: Jamie hit the wall in lap 15 and was 53 laps down when he came back... Kansas: With nine laps to go, Jeff Gordon rubbed on Jamie and gave him a bad tire rub. Jeff later apologized... Homestead/Miami: Jamie got his first Cup pole!

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Millions and millions of screaming, swooning fans!

Michael Waltrip

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Movie-star good looks that just keep getting better... Terrific sense of humor and ability to laugh at his mistakes... Funniest accent of anybody on the track... #7 on Foxsports' sexiest driver poll.

Mikey was another of our first favorites when we got into NASCAR. He always seems like he's having fun, even when he's not winning. And what can you say about that voice? With that "country-boy in cosmetology school" accent, Mikey should be a source of pride for every kid who ever got taken for his mama when he answered the phone.

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Daytona: Rain-shortened, but still official: Mikey won when the race was called at 109 laps... Las Vegas: Betty Jack angrily summoned Mikey to the Big Pint Trailer after he wrecked out Jamie during practice (easy-going as he is, Jamie was ever-so-ticked), then Mikey lavished praise on the horrible man who stole the White House! Bad Mikey, bad!... New Hampshire: Bad luck for Mikey when he drove off with the gas can stuck in the car. The penalty set him to 36th place... Talladega: Mikey had one of the new rooftop escape hatches installed, then used it to exit when he won the race! During the race, Mikey seemed sort of crazy, singing into the radio, then complaining the crew had put the "wrong gear" in the car. In an unbelievably brave last-lap flourish, Mikey flew to the top of the track and then dived to the bottom, simultaneously blocking Jeff, Kevin and Jr... Miami: Mikey loses a right front for a scary crash that ends his season.

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Some fast-talker who wants his seat on "This Week in Nextel Cup"... People who think they've mistakenly reached the Charzanne Beauty College when he answers the phone.

Mark Martin

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

We love it that Mark lives at the World's Most Famous Beach... We love it that his racecar caused millions of parents to have to explain to their children why erections are important.

Even though every sports program on TV is now brought to you by one or another erection pill, Mark's big #6 was the first mass-culture entity that was entirely about getting wood. Mark, a reformed drinker with a healthy lifestyle and a very toned body, is a perfect spokesmodel for the enstiffening concoction. We've never seen where he lives in Daytona Beach, but we are sure it must be gorgeous! 2003 was not a good year for Mark, though he did get the pleasure of seeing Kenseth, whom he discovered, sail to the championship.

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Darlington II: Jeff Gordon checked up, and Mark rammed that Viagra-fueled #6 up his tailpipe, eee-ow!... New Hampshire: Mark Martin made his 500th consecutive Winston Cup start!... Martinsville: Mark wrecked Rusty Wallace.

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

The inevitable fact that another erection pill will sponsor and racecar, and then Mark will have a racetrack "sword-fight" on his hands!

Elliott Sadler

WHY HE GETS OUR MOTOR RUNNING:

Elliott is a big, country-looking kind of guy, and he looks like he'd be a lot of fun... Elliott has been racing hard, and it looks (as I write this, on the eve of the Daytona 500) that he could be in for a great year.

As you know, we "grew" our 91/2 by just a touch to make enough room for this big guy. Throughout 2003, in an ongoing election in my mind, Elliott was continually voted "The Driver I'd Most Like to See Added to the Team." So I did it! And don't you know that the very day after I sent out an e-mail regarding the new team member, Elliott won the second race in the Gatorade 125s, securing the outside pole for the 500, which he declared "the greatest day of my life!" Welcome Elliott! Let's make it a great year!

2003 HIGHLIGHTS:

Martinsville: Tony Stewart tried to spin Elliott out after the show. What's up with that, Tony?...Chicago: Elliott sprawled across a director's chair on QVC's "For Race Fans Only" and introduced his party-dog "M&M's Groovy Summer" psychedelic paint scheme! Sweet, dude! (Elliott finished 9th.)... Bristol: In bad news about his paint scheme, Elliott ran with an ad for the hideous "Combos" extruded cheese-food product. Yuck!... Talladega: In one of the most shocking wrecks ever seen, Elliott climbed out after a five-roll crash!... Kansas: As if to mimic Flyin -- then Fryin -- Ryan, Elliott follows up his Talladega flip-out with a scary fire at Kansas... Charlotte: The Armed Forces ganged up on Elliott as the Army car banged him up, then the National Guard car finished him off... Atlanta: During the rain delay, Elliott allowed that the CD presently in his car was Eminem (way to say the sponsors name again, dude).

HE'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR:

Tony Stewart... Other candy cars.