Kurt with his previous ears
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Betty Jack's Track Yack
California 500
Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Remember how in their song "Creeque Alley" the Mamas & the Papas sang, "And California Dreaming is becoming a reality"? Well that's how it was on Sunday as the NASCAR Nation engaged in a coast-to-coast snooze-out, dreaming -- alas, in vain! -- that the race would get exciting! Who designed this track? And who put it on the schedule right after Daytona Speedweeks, so that it suffers horribly by comparison? Before Sunday's race was over, I'd given up trying to keep my guests interested -- I just went ahead and passed out juiceboxes and cots and blankies to make everyone as comfortable as possible.
As if to warn us about the tired race about to unfold, Jewel sang a pre-race number that got everything off to a depressing start. Unlike Bon Jovi's show the previous week, no one (except media) even seemed to pay attention to Jewel.
Motor Racing Outreach's Jeff Hamilton brought the invocation. Singing the National Anthem was Fantasia, who will be familiar to "American Idol" fans as a person from that show. Fantasia licked the National Anthem until it was red and raw. This may be the first time I've seen someone manage to drag the anthem out until the flyover was over. She was still shrieking and wailing when those two F-18 Super-Hornets droned off into the distance. Racing writer Shav Glick of the Los Angeles Times gave the start command.
Kurt Busch sat on the pole and led until Greg Biffle passed him at lap 8. Biffle led for most of the day, until he blew up late in the race. Denny Hamlin -- who's getting a lot of commercial face-time for a rookie. . . good move FedEx -- spun trying to get onto pit lane at lap 184. There were some cautions for debris, but they did little to bring equality to the field, which quickly dispersed after each restart. Kasey spent a good part of the day in the top five pushing Carl, but they couldn't get it done.
It's actually fitting that Kenseth won at this boring track -- remember, he's the guy whose successful run at the Championship in 2003 was so boring that NASCAR changed the rules to make sure nothing that boring ever happened again!
In other news: FOX said Kurt Busch had used the off-season to get his ears fixed. Wow, this guy likes operations: I remember last year he got Lasik for his eyes. What's next, Kurt? A sex change? Permanent cat tattoos on your face to make you look like that cute dude in the McDonald's commercial? ("So, we're still painting our faces for the Tigers game, right?")
NASCAR's sponsors continue to give us plenty to laugh at. My favorite new commercial this week showed Mark Martin enviously eyeing the crowd that had assembled to watch Carl Edwards do his backflip. On a hidden microphone, Mark cues "Fernando," a gymnast who does about six gigantic flips before landing behind the #6 car -- from which Mark emerges as if he'd done the whole thing himself! Carl just shakes his head and says, "Crazy old man!"
Speaking of Carl, have y'all seen that ESPN magazine cover? Honey, if Carl ever decides to put the brakes on his NASCAR career, he should definitely go into porn! I got three e-mails in two days from y'all panting over the muscles on this stud.
OK, ladies, that's it for this week. Next week we're off, then it's back out west for a run at the Las Vegas track. Are you ready to go all-in? You have to double-up to catch-up, baby doll! Let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!
Love,
Betty Jack DeVine
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