Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Sunday night's race looked like somebody had opened up a family-size can of Super-Crazy and sprayed the whole track down. There were 22 cautions -- the most ever in a top-division NASCAR race. Owing to all the excitement, heavy drinking and several charming guests, my recollections of all this insanity are a tad scanty. Nevertheless, I will attempt to take you through the parts of interest.
The previous week's All-Star race was notable for the victories of the DeVine 91/2's Mark Martin in the main event and Brian Vickers in the "race to the race" contest before it. Brian won that competition in the last lap when, after chasing Mike Bliss hard for a while, the #25 tagged the zero car and Bliss got sideways, sliding across the stripe just after Brian. What a show!
There was a lot of talk afterward about what happened -- Bootie Barker, Bliss's crew chief, was still quite steamed on a Speed show the next week. (And honey, Bootie does a really cute pout!) I say Dixie Richardson nailed it when she said, "Betty Jack, if Brian's car hadn't been faster, he could never have caught that zero car to touch it anyway!" And as usual, Dixie is so very right. Go Brian!
The pre-race festivities this week paid homage to all those who have fallen in service of our country -- a worthy sentiment, for sure. But now that Bush has all the dials set on Perma-War, doesn't it seem that big spectacles like this are becoming quite "Soviet" looking? I half expected to see a rusty old rocket and some tanks come lumbering by.
The start command was given by kids with loved ones in the war. That's great -- let's send the parents to the war, then pimp out their kids to NASCAR to keep the war fever high! A war, mind you, based on a pack of lies! We are becoming a nation "dead to shame," as the judge famously scolded Oscar Wilde.
The US Army Chorus performed "Amazing Grace" in a pretty style. If there was an invocation, I did not hear it. (No prayer before = most cautions ever?) The American Idol finalists "sang" the National Anthem. (By the way, I saw none of the Idol shows but just happened to drop in on the grand finale when Carrie was murdering whatever song that was she was singing. Honey, it would be so sad if space aliens heard that singing and thought that was the best Earth could come up with after a months-long search. They would probably blast us so hard, it would make "War of the Worlds" look like a church camp water balloon fight.) In a final swath of vulgarity, Sen. Bill Frist -- fresh from his attempt to dissolve the Senate in the service of his master ("Chancellor Palpantine") -- waved the green flag.
Ryan was on the pole, with Jeff on the outside. At the track, my friend Amanda likes to say, "You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." And in that spirit, if you're gonna have 22 cautions, you'd better get to wrecking! And get to wrecking they did, with Martin Truex Jr. scraping the wall at lap 6. On lap 10, Kurt Busch had a hard smack into the wall. Robbie Gordon was black-flagged so NASCAR could see if his car was leaking something. Brian Vickers was coming, passing Ryan, then Jeff! At lap 60, we had green flag pit stops.
Next we had a caution for debris, followed at lap 100 by a big wreck. Did Mikey start it by turning Robbie Gordon? Jeff had a flat right rear. At lap 115, a piece of sealant came up out of a crack and tore up the front of Jeff's grille! What a bummer, and to think the same thing happened here before! Let's see, Charlotte's track is falling apart but they want the Hall of Fame? I see they have a lot of Dollar General signs at this speedway -- is that who they contract the track maintenance out to?
Johnny Sauter hit the wall at lap 140. (Have y'all ever wondered why he is always listed on the leaderboard as "Jo. Sauter" instead of just by his last name like most other guys? He's certainly the only Sauter on the track.) At lap 150, Elliott spun. At lap 163, Kurt Busch hit hard in turn 1. Ryan topped Brian for the lead at lap 193. At lap 200, Ricky Rudd spun Scott Wimmer. Kvapil smacked the wall at lap 209. Sterling Marlin and Casey Mears had misfortunes, then Jamie spun out! Such trouble for the Ganassi team! Soon, Jamie spun again! By this time, we were going, "What is wrong with this track?" Turns out they did some sort of resurfacing the night before! Crazy? Yes, crazy.
Then, it got ugly. with 155 to go, Jr. smacked Mikey and sent him spinning in a wreck that also caught up Matt Kenseth! (Yes, that Matt Kenseth! He's still racing!) Jr., Mikey is NOT on the list of cars you are supposed to be going after! There was a caution debris at with 135 to go. Brian took the lead from Jeff! Dave Blaney brought out a caution. Kasey took the lead! The announcers said Brian had taken five bags of fluid in the care center the night before.
With 61 to go, Carl Edwards entered the top 10! There were 46 to go when Brian gave up the lead for a green flag pit stop. But during the pit stops, Kasey blew a tire for a caution, putting those who had just pitted at a disadvantage. When the 20th caution flew, for Dave Blaney with 34 to go, Carl and that grumpy cuss Dale Jarrett got into a slapping fight. This led me to pen a haiku on the spot:
Cars Eighty-Eight and
Ninety-Nine bumping, drama
Under caution flag.
With 29 to go, Joe Nemechek was the leader at the restart. Caution came when Brian bumped Bill Elliott causing a pile up that ended both Brian's and Mark Martin's race day. A crash by Scott Riggs with 10 laps to go led to a red flag period. After the restart, Bobby Labonte tried hard to block Jimmie Johnson but could not. Once again, the Lowe's car wins at the Lowe's speedway. What? I'm just sayin...
JR. SHAKES IT UP!
Prior to the 600, Jr. replaced Pete Rondeau with Steve Hmiel as crew chief on the #8 car. Looks like Jr. just never made the adjustment after swapping crews with Mikey before the season started. Af first, you'll remember, Jr. seemed happy because Pete was apparently kind of laid back, like Jr. likes it. But in one really funny radio communication, Jr. screamed that Pete was just responding to his complaints about the car by going, "10-4, 10-4" and then not fixing it.
During the broadcast, DW seemed to suggest that you can only demand a new chief so many times before management decides the problem might be behind the wheel, not behind the wall. Afterwards, the crew of Mikey, who finished 36th, was very mad at Jr. Everyone denied, however, that the two guys hate each other. We'll see if Steve can do any better than Tony Eury Jr. or Pete at satisfying one of the track's most intense and competitive dudes.
That's it for this week, friends. See you next week at Dover -- let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!
Love,
Betty Jack DeVine
E ME at Bettyjack@gaytona.com
