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"THIS IS BETTY JACK DEVINE, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE:"

Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to the DeVine 91/2's Tony Stewart, who overcame weeks of terrible press and illness on race day to win at the Glen! Tony's day recalled, in title only, "Tummy Trouble," that hilarious Roger Rabbit cartoon -- but in reality it must have been terrible to be trying to drive a racecar on a curvy, hilly track while feeling unwell. This was Tony's second win of the season, all in five weeks.

We had six guys in the top 10 on Sunday. With just four more races until the Chase for the Championship, our team took a hit this week when Ryan Newman dropped back two to 12th, yielding 10th place to Jeremy "Hey, Jeremy!" Mayfield. Also losing ground was Jamie (one spot). Mikey and Kevin picked up one, while Mark Martin was Cat Daddy of the Week, picking up two big old spots. All the other doggies held their bones. As it stands now, Kasey, Mark, Mikey, Jamie and Ryan would all be left out of the Chase.

Didn't catch the preacher's name on Sunday, but appreciated his prayer. The National Anthem was performed by a guy from Three Doors Down, that band that Jr. and Tony did a video with. The start command was by John Riggins, who was the 1983 Superbowl MVP. (Who cares? "If it ain't got wheels, I ain't interested!")

The #48 was on the pole by points, as qualifying was rained out due to the weekend's hurricanes. (We send our love and prayers to all y'all affected by these storms, y'all.) Jimmy Spencer fell out smoking almost immediately. Continuing his relentless quest for the title of the wreckingest guy in racing, Brian Wreckers, I mean Vickers, of the Jeff Gordon Family of Wreckers, I mean Racers, got into Dale Jarrett, and into the gravel pits they went! This is the third wrecky week for Brian. I'll bet the guys are loving this at their team meetings! I'll bet they goof on it, you know, and maybe they dress Brian up like a bad baby, like Baby Gerald on "The Simpsons," but cuter, like Baby Herman in "Tummy Trouble!"

The next caution came when Sterling Marlin got wrecked by tired old Greg Biffle. We've gotten so used to this, we even thought of a new slogan: "Biffle Got 'Em!" You know, like when somebody at work disappears, and somehow you never hear anything else about them? "Biffle Got 'Em!" Or when you receive notification that your absentee ballot was late and so was discarded, even though you mailed it in town six days before election day? (True story: me in 2000.) Well, "Biffle Got 'Em!" In his post-wreck interview, Sterling offered the day's best line: "I got run over by a bug-eyed dummy!" Ouch!

In lap 25, points leader Jimmie Johnson fell out and went straight, I should say directly, to the garage. With two DNFs in a row, you've got to wonder what's up -- maybe Jeffy wants to drive a while?

Now here, I'm going to jump ahead, because really y'all, let's face it: It was a road-race in Yankeeland, and when I'm drinking I just can't grasp a track with more than four turns . If my notes serve me well, at some point, "Morgan Shepherd hurt Ryan!" Moving on, Tony Stewart took over and won! Along the way, Jeff's transmission started tearing up at lap 82.

BETTY JACK ON JOHN EDWARDS!

Friends, because I am signed up to the Kerry/Edwards campaign (you can too --use the link on this site!) I got special notification of an appearance in Atlanta this week by our next vice president, and my fellow native South Carolinian, John Edwards! John is even cuter in person than he is on TV! He got a crowd of 3,600 for a Monday afternoon rally down by the airport, and they only sent the invitation out one day in advance!

Y'all, it amazes me when I hear people talk about not voting, or voting for Nader, or even voting for Bush, as some of my own loved ones are planning to do. Don't be fooled! Our only hope is to turn away from ignorance and toward enlightenment. We cannot accept a future of ever-narrowing options at home and an endless descent into the chaos of religion-based wars abroad! Don't tell me there's no choice, or that it doesn't matter! It matters more than ever! VOTE KERRY/EDWARDS!

That's all for now friends. We'll see you Sunday up Motown- way. Let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!