Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to Sunday's winner, Jimmie Johnson. But MEGA, HELLA congratulations to the DeVine 91/2's own gorgeous, wonderful Jamie McMurray, whose terrific run at Darlington assured him of the coveted 11th place, allowing him to be on-stage at the awards banquet and to collect a $1 million bonus! Go Jamie Go! Really, it was a great weekend for the cuties: Jamie won the Busch race, and Kasey won the truck race, in his very first start in the Craftsman series! Go, y'all hot dawgs! Kasey was so super-cute: He climbed out and stood on the window ledge of the car, then smoothly stepped down in this incredible, cat-like move. Sweet!
Well, this is it, gay NASCAR fans: The long, long road that began in Daytona last winter ends this Sunday back in Florida at Homestead-Miami. While the top five drivers have a mathematical shot at the Cup, all eyes are focused on the top three: Kurt Busch, Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon. As I wrote last week, I'm pulling for Gordon, as he was supposedly the only one of the Chase contenders who was not openly for Bush.
Speaking of the campaign, did anyone else feel the urge to hurl Sunday as the announcers, and various tragic signs held by fans, bemoaned the end of the Southern 500? I tell you, it was like Dixie (the nation, not my girlfriend) was going down all over again. You know what's really funny? South Crazyland lost its race because the people there are now TOO POOR to support their NASCAR track! "Boo hoo, NASCAR took our race and gave it to California! Ain't it awful?" Well check this out: While all y'all unemployed SC Republicans were trying to steal enough gas to get to the polls cast your pathetic votes to re-elect Bush -- the WORST thing to hit the South since Sherman -- those smart people in California were voting Democrat in a big way! And now THEY'VE got your NASCAR race! Yeah, and I heard they're going let mixed-race couples in for half price, and they're going to have a have a mass gay wedding before every race! DEAL WITH IT!
The prayer on Sunday was led by the raceway's Rev. Harold King, who prayed for the president to have "clarity of mind." It's a little late for that, rev. You might have prayed also for the people of SC to have some jobs and health care. Presenting yet another strange, strange version of the National Anthem was the native SC band Blue Dogs. We saw them at the ATL's Chastain Park several years ago, where they were opening for the Righteous Bros. Giving the start command was Mountain Dew "extreme sports" spokesboy Shaun White. This dude has great hair "in the William Higgins tradition." Check him out on Google images!
The cars lined up by points, as qualifying was rained out, so Kurt was on the pole. We were thrilled to see Jeff take the lead! At lap 22, Ryan was off the pace with a tire problem. Jamie put on a great show chasing Kurt for 2nd, taking the spot at lap 37. After a round of green-flag pit stops, the caution came out when little Bobby Hamilton Jr. got on the wall. When we restarted at lap 88, Mark Martin had his big "mushroom-head," "beer-can" Viagra Ford Taurus all the way up in... the lead, don't you know! But hold onto your jocks, boys, because Jamie McMurray was coming, and at lap 119, come he did -- right past Mark Martin for the 1st place!
Next, we had a goofy deal that started with Bobby Labonte in trouble but mainly involved Todd Bodine, who got loose and was sort of picked up by the hood of Mikey's car and carried along at very high speed for a spell because, we later learned, the #15 Monte Carlo's throttle was stuck! Man, did that look weird on the replay -- Mikey just blowing by at full speed with a racecar across his hood!
Jamie was in 5th for the restart at lap 151 and had climbed to 4th by lap 181. The caution came out when Dale Jarrett wrecked into the wall. Wow, is DJ becoming the new Kyle Petty? ("I'm Kyle Petty, and I approved this wreck.") Soon Jeff Gordon was leading with Jamie chasing. Jimmie Johnson passed Mark for 3rd. At one point, NBC missed a wreck and came back from the commercial and showed the pit stops but not the wreck! Do what?? Jeff was back in the lead at lap 154. The #17 rolled over like a whale and let Jimmie Johnson got after Mark Martin.
("Oh," Dixie cried about now: "Tony Stewart is so boring these days he needs to go behind the wall -- The Wall of SHAME!")
Poor Ryan's car blew up and the caution waved, and that was it for him, and for his shot at the Cup, just like that. Kevin's car tore up too, but he can't even get back around. One of the announcers shouted, "This could be the caution of the year!"
We had a restart with 18 to go, and Jamie, who did not pit, was the leader. It was a cute-boy gang block as Kasey seemed to be trying to hold Jimmie back from Jamie for a bit. But Jamie's spunk was no match for Jimmie's new rubber, and the #48 finally took it from the #42 with nine to go and rolled to victory.
The win put Jimmie within 18 points of Kurt; Jeff's just 21 points back. NASCAR wanted a close race to the end of the season, and that's exactly what they got -- just 21 points between 1st and 3rd! Why not treat yourself to a super-special racing weekend at Homestead-Miami? Use the link at the left to order your premium tickets from ShowMeTickets.com! (These guys have been great sponsors of the site all season -- thanks, y'all!)
And now -- Everybody, run to your window and tell the people:
"GO 24! GO, JEFF GORDON! GO, YOU DUPONT, PEPSI COLA, AUNT JEMIMA, UNCLE BEN'S JIMMY DEAN'S, KFC, DUREX, SHINE-O BALL-O, HELLO KITTY, MONTE CARLO CHEVROLET! GO! GO! GO!"
See y'all at Homestead -- let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!
Love,
Betty Jack DeVine
E ME at Bettyjack@bellsouth.net
