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"THIS IS BETTY JACK DEVINE, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE:"

Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! One week after Sterling Marlin made "I got run over by a bug-eyed dummy" one of our favorite sayings of the year so far, the old bug-eyed dummy claimed his second victory in Cup racing. On Sunday at Michigan, our DeVine 91/2 fantasy team got seven guys in the top 10. Special congrats to Mark Martin, who finished a strong second and might have won, but for a problem with his nuts. More later.

It was a great week for our boys in the points. Sunday saw Jeff Gordon take over first place after Jimmie Johnson had his third DNF in a row. Can you believe it? You have to wonder if somebody is doing something funny to build interest in the coming Chase for the Championship. This week we had guys who went up one (Jeff, Kurt, Kasey and Mark), down one (Elliott, Ryan) and stayed the same (Jr., Tony, Matt, Kevin, Jamie and Mikey). Mikey is our lowest-ranking racer, but he's still ahead of Biffle, even after the #16 moved up six spots with his victory this week. At this point, Mark, Ryan, Jamie and Mikey would be left out of the Chase. Of the whole field, everyone below 25th place is already eliminated from the Chase. So far, only one driver is sure to be in the Chase. His name? Jeff Gordon.

I missed the preacher's name on Sunday, but he was an African-American gentleman, and that was nice to see in NASCAR. Julie Roberts twanged out a country version of the National Anthem that seemed to have a lot more "vocal grunting" than most singers find necessary. The track shot fireworks through much of her rendition, and she ended right with the four F-16s. The start command was by John Gordon Sr. of Gordon's Food Service. With 140,000 in attendance, the track enjoyed its 28th consecutive sell-out. Some of the other tracks are not selling out anymore, and I blame Bush.

Jimmie Johnson was on the pole by points, as qualifying was rained out again. While the cars were still on their parade laps, Ryan came to pit road twice, changing all four tires! It's always crazy when they do that! The first caution was out on lap 4, as Kasey went spinning and saved it. Looked like it might have been Kevin's fault. On lap 12, Ryan was in his pits again, this time because trash on his taped-up grill was making his water boil. On lap 29, the second caution was out for Hermie Sadler's blowed-up car.

Things got right racy around lap 40 as Kurt passed Jeff for the lead. At lap 43, Biffle took it away from Jeff. The caution came out for some debris, and while the cars were still going around, one hit it! There was a restart, then another caution relating to the troubles of the always-troublesome Kyle Petty and Derrick Cope. At lap 56, Mark Martin took the lead! Caution came out for debris again. After Biffle passed Jamie mighty rough for 3rd, Jamie served the favor right back. During the sixth caution, Jeff Burton missed his pit because he didn't recognize the sign -- forgot he is driving for AOL. "Dude, where's my pit box?"

Soon enough, Jimmie Johnson was done for the day. And at lap 84, Jamie took over the lead! Go Jamie! Mark took the lead back in lap 86. The seventh caution was out for some more spinning cars. The eighth caution flew for a spin by Kevin, but he didn't wreck out. The ninth caution was when Elliott's left front tore up; it messed up his car but happily there was no tar far, or tire fire. Long about this time, Mark Martin was penisized, I mean penalized, because his boys didn't get one of his lug nuts on just right before they sent him out. (Y'all know how it is!) Pat Tryson disputed this call but it stood. Mark might have had a big, long, fat, mushroom-head, beer-can-size victory to slap around next morning without that penalty, y'all. Every call counts: Mark has twice been robbed of championships by seemingly small penalties. There was a lot of OJ trial-type wrangling over what "installed" means in the rule book. Kasey and Biffle swapped leads some. Green flag pit stops rolled around with 29 to go. Biffle led from lap 183 on.

Racers often send their condolences to families who are bereaved, and that's kind and commendable. But Biffle got in one of the strangest "grief dedications" ever. On Victory Lane, he said, "My girlfriend's brother-in-law lost his father-in-law this week, and we're all thinking about them." Your who's what did what now? Who are these people again?

THOSE KRAZY KHANES!

NBC had a really entertaining feature on Kasey Kahne and his family. They hail from Enumclaw, Wash., and seemed quite entertaining and "shot out." Kasey's dad was interviewed on the boat dock; his mama runs the fan club and has incredibly blond hair; his brother Cale also has incredibly blond hair, in that adorable style the William Higgins movies made so popular! Another brother is named Cole -- man does this family like racing names or what? Apparently, Kasey is a huge celeb in his hometown -- especially after being named to People's Sexiest Bachelors list. We just checked, and Kasey is way out front in the drive for Raybestos Rookie of the Year! Go Kasey!

I'LL TAKE THAT DELIVERY!

If you've been watching the Olympics like we have (Go Misty May!) you might have seen that commercial where the #42 Dodge spells out "100" for the centennial of Texaco. Maybe you wondered, as we did, why Texaco did not give some face-time to that handsome pup Jamie McMurray. Well, they might be reluctant to link the company too closely to a driver who might be on the move! Internet rumors say watch for Jamie to jump to Joe Gibbs Racing, where he will drive a brand-new FedEx car, at the end of the year! But hold on -- there are also reports that Jamie is being courted by Roger Penske to take over the #2 car when Rusty Wallace retires at the end of '05. All we know is, whoever gets Jamie will be flying high and wide!

That's it for this week, friends. Use the link on this page to donate and volunteer for Kerry/Edwards! GO DEMOCRATS! BEAT BUSH! See you at Bristol! Let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!