"THIS IS BETTY JACK DEVINE, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE:"
Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! What a great day it was Sunday for Rusty Wallace! But really, what will the commentators talk about, now that Rusty's 105-race drought is history? I feel like I've practically grown up hearing about it.
After putting five cars in the top 10 this week, our DeVine 91/2 fantasy team is still holding down nine of the top 10 points spots! It's just awful how Jimmie Johnson is taking a spot one of our boys should have!
Of course, if you read tabloids while waiting in the supermarket line the way I do, you know that the best grease of the week was what happened OFF the track! The National Enquirer had details about the hottest of the hot in a Panama City nude spring break throw-down that will make you swoon! Honey, I was panting like Mississippi yard dog when I read about it! Hold your tater, son -- we'll get to that in a minute.
One of the regular racing ministers brought the invocation on Sunday. The National Anthem was sung by Buddy Jewel -- he has a nice voice, but the war planes came too quick and stepped on his singing a little bit.
Jeff Gordon last year swept both poles and race wins at Martinsville, and so going into the weekend there was a lot of talk about how he would do it again. And he did sit on the pole again and led the first 48 laps. The fans loved it when Jr. took over and led through lap 65; then it was Jeff again until Jimmie took over at 118 -- "thanks honey!"
Jeff was a player all day, but hit a rough patch -- literally -- when he was chasing Jr. for the lead at lap 291. The #8 kicked up a chunk of concrete that dented the #24's right front spoiler. Jeff later said "it jerked the wheel right out of my hand." Jeff had to make three pit stops to fix the damage! Even with that, Jeff finished 6th and led the most laps.
But the resulting red-flag situation made for some really interesting TV. The drivers just hopped out of their cars and started milling around, looking damn glad for the break. While the officials (up to and including NASCAR President Mike Helton) inspected, rejected, selected and pro-tected the offending portion of the track, our speed racers chatted each other up, or just lounged in the shade. This was a very different vibe from the usual "when is it going to end" kind of feeling of a rain delay. The guys were especially animated and cute as they strolled around the pit area. Jr. looked like a happy little boy. Jamie tried to put ice down the back of teammate Sterling Marlin, looking like such a total hot and elfish funster while doing it! Jamie's lucious tan and blond highlights were just perfect. But Sterling made some joke to him about being in Panama City, and Jamie laughed all wicked-like! Who wouldn't?! Also looking adorable was Elliott Sadler, who was sitting on the ground with his legs sprawled out in a most fetching pose! There was a hilarious incident when they were taking Hermie Sadler to the Infield Care Center on account of a small burn on his leg -- he was sitting backwards on the back of the little golf cart ambulance, and the dude driving it was backing up and almost mashed Hermie's sore paw against the wall! It was a real Simpsons moment! D'oh!
Poor Mark Martin -- he got as high as 4th place before his car tore up. It was the same thing that happened to Greg Biffle's car -- a defective fuel hose. So many people are always dissing Mark -- we know you can still go, daddy! Pop one of those blue diamonds and rev it up!
But is a scandal brewing about Mark's age? Someone told me on Sunday -- at least I think they did, I was drinking -- that Mark is about to be "outed" as being older than he claims! As for me, I always give my right age: I think it's better than telling people you're 30 and they wonder if you've been exposed to atomic fallout or something!
NASCAR DUDES GONE WILD!
Well darlings, THE story of the week ran in The National Enquirer. In a two-page article, Michael Hanrahan and Debra Goldberg spill the tea on how Dale Jr. and Jamie left Bristol -- where they'd each been fined $10,000 for acting out -- and flew on a private jet down to Panama City Beach, where they luxuriated in the beachfront condo owned by the same person as the jet -- James Finch, Phoenix Racing Team owner. The article tells all about:
Jr. and Jamie went to Club La Vela with Tony Stewart and Elliott Sadler. Club La Vela bills itself as "the largest nightclub in the USA" and its radio commercials tempt you to "party with thousands!" You may have seen Club La Vela on special on-location episodes of the old World Championship Wrestling Show and also MTV's Spring Break.
The guys left "every night with at least 10 or 15 girls."
The police were called to their rowdy hot-tub after-parties three nights in a row!
"On each of the three nights, there were four or five men naked and bunches of girls, either topless or completely naked," according to a security guard.
"When Jamie McMurray was taken aside and asked why he was nude in the hot tub, he stated that he didn't know he wasn't supposed to be and that he did it in order to get the females to remove their clothes," according to a security guard. (Can't you just imagine him looking up at you with those blue eyes and saying something so innocent, yet devilish?)
After someone snapped a picture of Jr.'s dance-floor antics during a "foam party" at Harpoon Harry's, his bodyguard confiscated the camera -- setting off a confrontation in which Jr. got a black eye! Come on, boys, don't be fighting!
Earlier that same night, Jamie, Jr. and four other cats were ejected from the Indy Speedway go-karts for rough driving and carrying on and tearing up a go-kart!
After this bootilicious affair, our boys flew off to Texas, where they finished 10th (Jamie), 8th (Tony), 4th (Jr.) and 1st (Elliott)! Go team! Do you reckon, when they all lounged in the hot tub, the boys talked about how they're all in the DeVine 91/2? I think they did. Yes, I think they did...
Well friends, we're off this weekend to one of the most dramatic tracks on the circuit: the superspeedway at Talladega! Crank it up!
Let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!
Love,
Betty Jack DeVine
E ME at Bettyjack@bellsouth.net
