"THIS IS BETTY JACK DEVINE, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE:"
Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to Sunday's winner, Joe Nemechek. It was a mighty fine weekend for Joe, who also won the Busch race on Saturday. Our DeVine 91/2 had four guys in the top 10 at Kansas. In the points race, Elliott's 4th place finish brought him up four spots -- a nice comeback after that rollin' and tumblin' trip down at Tallydoggy the week before. Matt fell back two to 7th; Ryan, Kevin and Mark each lost a spot; Kasey picked up one; and the rest of the team held their places, including Jamie, whose still got a good grip on 11th.
Thanks to Jr.'s cussing, it was one of those weeks when NASCAR is in the news so much that even non-race types rush to talk track with you! The way Jr.'s fans were taking on, you'd think NASCAR was cornholing him like a tranny at Mobile's famous Bienville Cruise Pub! I said my piece last week: The drive to "clean up" the media is coming from Bush's FCC, so maybe Jr. ought to rethink that "W" sticker on the back of his Vette. Having said that, I think this anti-cussing hysteria just shows the kind of government control we are living under. More and more, we're being taught to fear the consequences of simple free expression. And as even Mother DeVine remarked, "I don't really think of that word [shit] as cussing. It's ugly, but it's not cussing."
OK then, to get this shit going: The pre-race show Sunday was rushed up due to the possibility of rain. Actually, the weather there looked much like here in Atlanta. It was very overcast but not cold, so we sat on the porch anyway. Kansas Speedway Chaplain Mark Joseph offered the prayer. Then, the prayers of everyone who dig sharp trim were answered by Mulberry Lane. This quartet of rack-a-lacious blondes make the Hooters Girls look like frigid Republican battle-axes! Plus, they sang the National Anthem beautifully. The flyover was by a terrifying B-2 bomber. I'm sure that's the plane everyone is most interested in. NASCAR should buy its own and send it from track to track.
Nemchek started on the pole. Before the cars even got around one time, there was trouble: Sterling Marlin tore up and left debris on the racetrack. He would come back later, 22 laps down. Carl Edwards went spinning and brought out the second caution. Jeff got penalized because his crew left some equipment on the car.
At lap 59, Kasey pitted, and we hoped it would set up a thing where he would have extra gas and be able to win eventually, and he did inherit the lead. At lap 136, Shane Hmiel spun entering pit road; there was no caution. At lap 142, Kyle Busch contacted the wall, and Mark Martin needed new tires. Turns out Kyle's brakes had tore up, and Mark ran over a rotor piece.
At lap 152, Kurt got loose, spun, and spun Jimmie Johnson also. Kevin started dropping back at lap 161. At lap 197, Casey Mears -- who I totally honor for running his Target car in pink colors this month to fight breast cancer -- hit the wall and caused a caution. Ken Schrader had a flat tire and like to have had a TAR FAR! There was another caution at lap 209 when Ryan hit the wall and spun in the grass.
Jamie had taken over the lead about now -- thanks in part, I am sure, to our "helping Jamie" with shots of ice cold Sauza Hornitos! "Brother! That's tequila!" Jimmie Johnson wrecked out. Elliott passed Jamie at lap 230. Kasey got loose and spun around on the grass at lap 242, and Robbie Gordon also spun for a caution at lap 250. The final race came down to Nemechek and Ricky Rudd. It was an exciting finish, but it didn't involve any of the girls from our church, you know? This interesting fact from the NBC announcers: since the 01 car first got on the track in 1949, this is its first-ever first-place finish.
THE WIVES OF NASCAR AND WHAT THEY BUY!
A fox I know from work was kind enough to bring me the September issue of W magazine, which includes a fun story about the wives of NASCAR. Being in a ladies' fashion magazine, it was written, of course, to appeal to people who know nothing at all about racing, but it has some fun facts. Like:
Buffy and Michael Waltrip live on a 120-acre estate and are busily replacing their home's wooden floors with gold-veined marble. Buffy has an embroidered pillow that says, "Always spend more than your husband makes. It keeps him motivated." Buffy said, "Your whole life is dependent upon where you husband finishes in the race. It sets the tone for the rest of your week." (Yikes! It's been a tough year for Buffy, I guess!)
DeLana Harvick is the only NASCAR wife who wears a driver's firesuit to pit lane, and the others talk about her for it.
Speaking of pit lane, its restriction against open-toe shoes and sleeveless tops forces many of the NASCAR wives to put all their fashion energy into DIAMONDS! FABULOUS DIAMONDS! Says Katie Kenseth: "He's given me, like, diamond hoops, diamond studs, a diamond tennis bracelet, a diamond pendant necklace..."
During a race, Shana Mayfield complained from her pit-box perch, "That driver wrecks us at every race. I'm gonna go over there and whup his WIFE'S ass!"
JUDY CARLAND!
Did you ever expect to see the immortal Judy Garland's face speeding by you at 190 mph at the NASCAR track? Well you could Sunday -- three of the cars (Jeff, Elliott and Brendan Gaughan) had "Wizard of Oz" paint schemes! How cute! But at qualifying, when the reporter tried to razz Jeff about sporting the Cowardly Lion, he snipped "Go talk to Elliott. He's got Dorothy and Toto!" Well, the reporter did, and Elliott thought Toto was quite a nice addition to his Pedigree Dog Food car. Truly, these were history's gayest race cars! What's next? Cars sponsored by lube, vodka and Key West? You gotta love it!
That's it for this week friends. See you under the lights Saturday for the big race in Charlotte! Let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!
GO KERRY! BEAT BUSH!
Love,
Betty Jack DeVine
E ME at Bettyjack@bellsouth.net
