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"THIS IS BETTY JACK DEVINE, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE:"

Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to Dale Jr. on his great win in NASCAR's most popular race! Especially after Jr.'s scary burn and painful recovery earlier in the summer, it was great to see him back in front doing what he does best. Jr. had not won since Richmond in May.

This week, we had six guys among the top 10 finishers. We've got eight guys in the top 10 in the points race. The only guys who changed a points position this week were Ryan (up three) and Kasey (down one). Sadly this week, our DeVine 91/2 fantasy team saw its first member mathematically eliminated from the Chase for the Championship: Mikey is out of the hunt. I hate it for you Mikey, and I know major Mikey fans Suepie and Amy are bad cut up about it, too. At this point, the Chase would still feature only the top 10, as no one is close enough to get in under the "400 points" rule. All we know for sure is that Jeff, Jimmie Johnson and Jr. are all assured a place in the Chase.

The invocator on Saturday was a Presbyterian lady preacher whose last name is Yarborough. She certainly offered one of the longer prayers we have heard this year, but she is admirably of the progressive stripe, and got in a pretty good lick for peace instead of war. The NASCAR Kids, a little glee club of drivers' children, presented the National Anthem. The war planes -- four F-16s -- came roaring up during their rendition, though, and scared some of them. Looking back, I'm sure the jets' arrival was mis-timed because the preacher-lady gave a longer (perhaps markedly different?) prayer than NASCAR was expecting. If you've ever seen video from the Drivers Meeting, one of the things they do is tell to the exact minute what time all the announcements, songs, etc. will take place, a schedule that must be key to the properly timed arrival of the war planes. Wow, I wonder if she got in trouble with NASCAR for this blatantly Democratic gesture on their Xtremely Republican show?

Jeff Gordon was on the pole, and 160,000 lucky fans were on their feet, when the green flag dropped and the #24 led the first one. The first caution came out when old Jimmy Spencer stumbled into the wall, then was penalized for intentionally bringing out the caution by stopping on the track. At lap 32, Ricky Craven started a wreck in which Joe Nemechek took a hard hit into the wall, and almost seemed knocked out for a minute. Poor Ricky Craven, released by Tide, he just doesn't care anymore! In lap 72, Jr. took the lead away from Rusty Wallace. Then Ricky Craven spun and hit the wall, bringing out the caution. Poor Ricky Craven, released by Tide, he just doesn't care anymore! At the restart, there was an immediate wreck and caution that involved five or six cars. Dixie had been saying it would be a big wreck sometimes!

Long about lap 99, it looked like the inside of a cooler as we had Lite, Bud and Coors up front one, two, three! Then came a long green flag run. During green flag pit stops, Rusty almost ran out of gas and did stall on pit road, making a sad spectacle. Jamie led at lap 216 when Jr. pitted! Go Jamie! Then Jr. took back the lead, and there was a long -- for Bristol, really long -- period of green flag racing interrupted only by two Cautions Debris.

At lap 227, we got our Mark Martin Moment: Mark forgot that when coming in under green, the cars have to go down only ONE side of Bristol's goofy pits, not BOTH sides as when under caution. Then there was excitement at lap 361 when poor Kevin Harvick had to come in for an emergency medical stop because his arm was so numb and asleep! (Gosh, just like being a teenager again! Kevin, change hands once in a while, dude!) Luckily, teammate Kyle Petty had already wrecked out -- no one saw that coming, right? -- so he was available to hop into the #29 machine.

After bringing out the eighth caution, Robbie Gordon was ordered by the tower to stop hitting other cars. The next wreck involved at least five cars piling up behind Mark Martin and Brian Vickers. After a restart a lap 400, Jeff Gordon was black flagged for not getting in the spot NASCAR had prepared for him in the line. He was very unhappy and there was some arguing, but that was that. Before you knew it, Jr. was putting Jeff a lap down, and boy did the fans go nuts! Jr. later said, "I knew they would appreciate that. That was kind of for them."

So was the crazy victory burnout in which the #8 car seemed to be trying to knock down, or climb, the wall into the stands! It was wild, man, as I'm sure Jr.'s Saturday night was: "We got Sunday off! Woo-hoo!" cried the boy America loves: Yes all the guys want to be him, and all the chicks think they can change him.

WHY NOT BOTTOMS UP?

As you saw first repeated here last week, Rusty Wallace is retiring at the end of the 2005 season; it was confirmed Aug. 30. That does indeed leave a car open which hot hot Jamie McMurray might could hop into -- although as much as we like drinking, we'd rather see Jamie drive for FedEx (as has also been rumored) than for that watery old half-tasting beer. But gosh, talk about a gloomy theme: "Rusty's Last Call." How dismal! Sounds like you should take a casserole and send flowers instead of bringing a 12-pack!

THERE THEY GO AGAIN

In my informal poll, everyone hated it that General Motors was pressured to pull its cute Corvette ad during the Olympics. Directed by one of the Mssrs. Madonna (Guy Richie), it showed the cutest pre-teen boy having a dream where he drives a red Vette like a true sombitch, flying through the air and catching the eye of a sharp bit of trim cruising in her own airborne Vette -- all to "Jumpin Jack Flash!"

Well dears I am the hugest Stones fan, and love to listen to them while I write the site, so you know I adored this commercial! But several of the Mother Hen types got together and told GMC the commercial was bound to make children boost cars and drive wild, etc. etc. I'm sorry, that is just WEAK! What is wrong with America? At work, I had to hear repeatedly about how "embarrassing" and "exploitive" Misty May and Kerri Walsh's bikinis were! Here's news: LIFE IS NOT JUST SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT GOING TO WORK AND KEEPING YOUR PANTS UP! Someone has to tell the people!

That's it for this week, friends. I hope everyone has a terrific Labor Day! If you are stuck at home with nothing to do, contact the Kerry/Edwards campaign in your state and do some volunteer work! You might make some new friends and even get you some! See you Sunday night for the California race -- let's all meet up down at the Track Bar!