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Here in the executive suites of Gaytona.com, there's always a great deal of campaigning that precedes the announcement of the team. (Bribes, counter-bribes, threats, pleading -- you know, office stuff.) Now that we're past all that, we can announce the members of our 2009 DeVine 9 1/2 fantasy team!
Although the actual number of team members has been, to say the least, flexible over the years, we can't put every swinging Richard in racing on the team. That means sometimes a guy has to give up his ride to give another dude a shot.
This year, we're saying good-bye to Dario Franchitti (that was an easy one, because his team folded during last season), and also to Elliott Sadler. I really hate to put Elliott out but he's had trouble breaking through lately: He hasn't won since 2004 and had the tenth-worst finish on last year's DeVine 9 1/2. But if you're an Elliott fan, take heart: There's a history of me putting guys off the team, then the guys really taking off, then me having to have a total climb-down and put them back on the team. Just ask Tony Stewart!
Here's our 2009 team, beginning with our two new guys!
Name: Scott Speed
Car: # 82 Red Bull Toyota
Crew chief: Jimmy Elledge
Team: Red Bull Racing
Born on: Jan. 24, 1983
Born at: Manteca, Calif.
Stays at: Charlotte, N.C.
2008 finish: 5 Cup starts in 08
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 16th at Homestead-Miami
Cup career wins: 0
Why we're a fan: Just 26, Scott arrives in Cup having already raced two years in the ultra-deluxe world of Formula 1. Last year he had nine top 10s in 16 Truck starts, and he finished fifth in ARCA with four wins. In a sport whose heroes are mythically masculine, Scott has shown he's not afraid to girl it up. He famously credited one win last year to the great pedicure he'd just gotten! Then later on Speed TV's "Trackside," he retold the story and participated in a gag where the guys painted Jeff Hammond's toes in rainbow hues! Gotta love it!
Add to that those very sexy Euro-tees and urban caps Scott favors, and you've definitely got a racer who's out to make it "his way." Even though the open-wheel guys who've come to NASCAR have had lots of problems, it's always worth remembering that an F1 driver has the nerves of steel that would let him drive that Cup car 25 miles faster than any Cup car will go. In several of his races last year, Scott definitely demonstrated what those nerves can let a driver do. This is one California dreamer we'll be keeping a close eye on!
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Name: Mark Martin
Car: #5 Kellogg's/CarQuest Chevrolet
Crew chief: Alan Gufstafson
Team: Hendrick Motorsports
Born on: Jan. 9, 1959
Born at: Batesville, Ark.
Stays at: Daytona Beach, Fla.
Cup career wins: 35
2008 finish: 24th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 2nd at 1st Richmond, 2nd Daytona, Indianapolis, 2nd Dover and Kansas
Why we're a fan: Mark Martin is like a composite of some of our favorite characters. Obviously, there's Cher: Mark has retired and come back at least as often as the great lady herself. Despite having gone about on a full royal-treatment retirement tour in 2006, Mark never retired at all - he only missed a dozen races in each of the two seasons since. Now, having grown bored with semi-retirement, he's back fulltime! (Wait a minute... someone's at the door... Oh my goodness, it's Cher! And she wants to do her concert in my front yard!)
Another character Mark reminds me of is Aunt Pittypat Hamilton, Scarlett O'Hara's ball-of-nerves maiden auntie. She was the kind of lady who knew how to have a real conniption fit, and Mark's tendency to fret, worry, cogitate and recapitulate have often made us think of that dear old lady. Far from boasting and talking trash about the other guys, Mark often seems to be apologizing for his race before he even goes anywhere! Mark loves to lower expectations, then surprise everyone with a strong finish.
And there is also some deeply wistful aspect of Mark's career that appeals to my sobbing Inner Opera Queen. Here's a guy who's been in Cup racing since 1981; he's won 35 times; yet he's never been the Champion. Remember that one year when he lost in the points just because of a stupid fine he'd incurred during the season? Remember how in 2007 he was leading the Daytona 500 on the last lap when a big wreck happened but the officials inexplicably kept it green and Kevin Harvick passed him for the win? There is something tragic about all that, and yet there is such nobility in his determination to try again. Mark my words: If Mark Martin mounts a successful campaign this year, his story will capture America's heart! |
Name: Jamie McMurray
Car: #26 Crown Royal Ford
Crew chief: Donnie Wingo
Team: Roush Fenway Racing
Born on: June 3, 1976
Born at: Joplin, Mo.
Stays at: Mooresville, N.C.
Cup career wins: 2
2008 finish: 16th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 2nd place at 2nd Phoenix
Why we're a fan: We've been huge Jamie fans ever since his glorious win at Lowe's in 2002, when he was driving the Coors machine for the injured Sterling Marlin. The years since that beer-soaked youth went wild in Victory Lane have sometimes been hard on Jamie: He's been pretty open about the pressure to win, and trying until he's maybe trying too hard. We met Jamie last year in Daytona and it was evident he was carrying around a lot of tension and worry, which I also heard from someone who knows him. Things got a lot better later for Jamie: He finished 4th, 2nd and 7th in the last three shows of 2008. During the break, Jamie got engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Christy Futtrell. Let's hope she helps him keep that winning attitude going -- we'd love to see Jamie run great this year! |
Name: Kasey Kahne
Car: #9 Budweiser Dodge
Crew chief: Kenny Francis
Team: Richard Petty Motorsports
Born on: April 10, 1980
Born at: Enumclaw, Wash.
Stays at: Mooresville, N.C.
Cup career wins: 9
2008 finish: 14th
2008 wins: 2
2008 poles: 2
2008 best finishes: 1st place at 1st Pocono; 1st place at Infineon
Why we're a fan: Kasey is just about the most flat-out gorgeous man in NASCAR. This will be his sixth Cup season, and he still doesn't look like he's old enough to drink what his sponsor's selling -- let alone race against Cup veterans. But as RuPaul likes to say, "Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!"
Kasey can flat out fly in a racecar, resulting in nine wins since his 2004 debut season and a spot in the 2006 Chase for the Championship. Offtrack, Kasey's ads for AllState -- in which he is relentlessly pursued by a posse of possibly deranged single gals on the make -- are the best campaign by a NASCAR star. (I've heard that one of those women said they filmed the first ads using a stand-in for Kasey, and when they saw the final version with them drooling over this guy who looked 16, they felt like total pervs!) This year let's see if Kasey can keep outrunning those cougars and get into the Chase, too! |
Name: Brian Vickers
Car: #83 Red Bull Toyota
Crew chief: Ryan Pemberton
Team: Red Bull Racing
Born on: Oct. 24, 1983
Born at: Thomasville, N.C.
Stays at: Charlotte, N.C. and New York City
Cup career wins: 1
2008 finish: 19th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 1
2008 best finishes: 2nd place at 1st Pocono
Why we're a fan: Following Brian's 2003 cup debut, we quickly nicknamed him Brian Wreckers for all his crazy driving antics! Everytime you turned around, the boy was doing something nuts, and some crusty racing veteran was threatening him with revenge. Brian's best wreck, of course, was at 2nd Talladega in 2006 when he was running 3rd on the final lap and wrecked out Jimmy Johnson and Dale Jr. to win! The JJ-lovers sat in the corner crying with their dresses pulled up over their heads, but Brian got his win and gave us a great show!
We're even more mad about the boy after reading a lengthy New York Times Style piece about his penthouse in lower Manhattan! Brian loves to hang out the City because famous people are as common as corndogs there, and most New Yorkers don't know who he is anyway. Brian said he's explored all over town on his bike, and he meditates to stay focused and calm. What a doll baby! Go Brian! |
Name: David Ragan
Car: #6 UPS Ford
Crew chief: Jimmy Fenning
Team: Roush Fenway Racing
Born on: Dec. 24, 1985
Born at: Unadilla, Ga.
Stays at: Huntersville, N.C.
Cup career wins: 0
2008 finish: 13th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 3rd place finishes at 2nd Michigan and 2nd Talladega
Why we're a fan: Here's another dude who was a cat out of a bag when he first hit Cup. Dixie and I quickly dubbed him "Wrecking Ragan" and began looking forward to his wild driving each Sunday. But along the way David's calmed down a lot, going from the driver Tony Stewart derided as "a dart without feathers" to completing the most laps of any driver on the circuit last year. David is a dashing Southern cutie: We met him last year in Daytona Beach, and he was Absolutly charming -- and adorable as a puppy dog! We'd love to see this Georgia boy spank the competition and show them how we race it down South! |
Name: Reed Sorenson
Car: #43 US Air Force Dodge
Crew chief: Mike Shiplett
Team: Richard Petty Motorsports
Born on: Feb. 5, 1986
Born at: Peachtree City, Ga.
Stays at: Davidson, N.C.
Cup career wins: 0
2008 finish: 32nd
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
Cup career wins: 0
2008 best finishes: 5th place at Daytona 500
Why we're a fan: This good-looking lad grew up just down the road from Atlanta, in Peachtree City, so it was a big thrill for us when he made his Cup debut at the 2nd Atlanta in 2005. Two years later at the same race, he came in 3rd for his best finish yet. Reed's a cool dude, and it will be exciting to see how he runs this year after leaving Chip Ganassi's outfit. |
Name: Carl Edwards
Car: #99 Aflac Ford
Crew chief: Bob Osborne
Team: Roush Fenway Racing
Born on: Aug. 15, 1979
Born at: Columbia, Mo.
Stays at: Kannapolis, N.C.
Cup career wins: 16
2008 finish: 2nd
2008 wins: 9
2008 poles: 1
2008 best finishes: 1st place at 1st California; 1st Las Vegas; 1st & 2nd Texas; 2nd Pocono; 2nd Michigan; 2nd Bristol; 2nd Atlanta; Homestead-Miami
Why we're a fan: Lawsy mee, child, have you seen the boy? Carl's chiseled physique -- as seen on ESPN Magazine and elsewhere -- gives a whole new meaning to the term "body shop." We love Carl's sun-bright smile, his bad-boy backflips, and the fact that he's a jet pilot! If he was a character in Mystery Date, Carl would definitely be the Dreamboat. And we loved it last season when he responded to a question about fantasy dinner engagements by saying he'd like to meet Barack Obama! Well, Carl, win that Championship and I'll bet the President will let you park on the lawn! Hey, it might happen: Carl rode Jimmy Johnson all the way to Homestead-Miami last year, coming up just 69 points shy of the Championship! |
Name: Michael Waltrip
Car: #55 NAPA Toyota
Crew chief: Bootie Barker
Team: Michael Waltrip Racing
Born on: April 30, 1963
Born at: Owensboro, Ky.
Stays at: Sherrills Ford, N.C.
Career Cup wins: 4
2008 finish: 29th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 2nd place at 1st New Hampshire
Why we're a fan: Everybody's a Mikey fan, or they must be -- what else could explain how this guy keeps going? Mikey turns 46 in April; he's had more Cup starts (725) than anyone except Richard Petty; he's won only four races (all on restrictor-plate tracks); and he hasn't had a victory since 2nd Talladega in 2003. Yet he remains enormously popular.
Fired from DEI by the scowling Theresa Earnhart in 2006, Mikey kept racing and kept his NAPA sponsorship, eventually forming his own team of Toyotas. In addition to racing, Mikey keeps up a grueling schedule of TV appearances (he's a regular on Speed TV's weekly race review program) and filming hilarious commercials for NAPA (in which he regularly pokes fun at his own inability to land in Victory Lane). It's almost impossible not to compare Mikey's situation to that of brother Darrell, who is widely thought to have raced many years past his prime in pursuit of a "final victory" that in fact had already occurred.
Yet there's nothing pitiful about Mikey, probably because he seems not to take himself seriously at all. He's just out there -- "NAPA Toyota" -- week after week -- "Aaron Rents" -- giving it his all -- "Coca-Cola" -- and, oh: giving his sponsors the on-air plugs they love. Mikey was one of the first guys we noticed when we started watching NASCAR, chiefly because of his floppy, "romantic poet"-style hairdo, and that voice. A 24-year (and counting) career in Cup racing is truly the best revenge for having had everyone mistake him for his Mama when he answered the phone as a boy. You go Mikey, and make them know you are somebody! |
Name: Dale Earnhart Jr.
Car: #88 Amp Energy Drink Chevrolet
Crew chief: Tony Eury Jr.
Team: Hendrick Motorsports
Born on: Oct. 10, 1974
Born at: Kannapolis, N.C.
Stays at: Cleveland, N.C.
Career Cup wins: 18
2008 finish: 12th place
2008 wins: 1
2008 poles: 1
2008 best finishes: 1st place at 1st Texas
Why we're a fan: As befits a prince in a racing royal family, Dale Jr. is the object of media speculation and rumor without end. From his much publicized split with step-mother Theresa -- though he remains a part-owner of DEI-- to his ups and downs on the track each week, the spotlight stays on Dale Jr. If he's not out front, the media like to say, it's because he's lazy and not trying. When he slumped a bit mid-season last year, one of the announcers began weirdly alluding to questions about Jr.'s "fitness." What was that about? Anyway, the fans have voted Jr. the most popular driver for six years running, so, in the words of Billy Currington's hit, he "must be doing something right." |
Jeff Gordon
Car: #24 DuPont Chevrolet
Crew chief: Steve LeTarte
Team: Hendrick Motorsports
Born on: Aug. 4, 1971
Born at: Vallejo, Calif.
Stays at: Charlotte, N.C.
Career Cup wins: 81
Champion in 1995, 1997, 1998 and 2001
2008 finish: 7th
2008 wins: 0
2008 poles: 4
2008 best finishes: 2nd place at 1st Martinsville and 2nd Texas
Why we're a fan: Jeff is the Most Ruling Superstar in NASCAR racing, what with his four Championships and all. Before knew the first thing about NASCAR, I knew some people hated Jeff Gordon. When I found out he was the subject of ugly gay-bashing efforts (Remember "Fans Against Gordon"?) it naturally made me sympathetic to him. Jeff did not taste victory in 2008 -- for the first time since he was a rookie in 1993 -- but he is still NASCAR Royalty Forever. In 2003 when Jeff's divorce came through, a reporter from The Star called me and tried nine ways to Friday to make me give a quote saying the gays were all excited now that Jeff was back on the market! Can you imagine? But it shows how obsessed folks are with Jeff, and that's just fine. Jeff, I hope this year you'll really give those 24-haters something to boo about!
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Name: Tony Stewart
Car: #14 Old Spice/Office Depot Chevrolet
Crew chief: Darian Grubb
Team: Stewart-Haas Racing
Born on: May 20, 1971
Born at: Columbus, Ind.
Stays at: Columbus, Ind.
Career Cup wins: 33
2008 finish: 9th place
Champion in 2002 and 2005
2008 wins: 1
2008 poles: 0
2008 best finishes: 1st place at 2nd Talladega
Why we're a fan: Through the years, I haven't always been a Tony fan. I even kicked him off the team for a few seasons, for several reasons. But you know what? We all make mistakes, and that was one by me. Sure, sometimes he's crabby and you want to tell him to shut up. But other times, he's the only guy brave enough to say what everybody else is thinking. Tony has not been afraid to call out NASCAR when he felt it necessary -- whether to demand safer racing for the drivers, or a better show for the fans. This is a really exciting year for Tony, what with leaving Joe Gibbs racing and joining Gene Haas to form Stewart-Haas Racingl. Tony's victory last fall on the high banks of Talladega -- his first trip to that Victory Lane, in 20 attempts! -- should certainly enshrine him in the heart of every fan. And his commercials are among our favorites. I love the one where "young Tony" -- a doe-eyed nerdly youth in a baby Liza wig, too paralyzed by fear to step onto an escalator -- becomes "grown Tony"-- trophy-toting racecar driver flanked by honeys ("She's Russian!" Tony beams of the blonde on his right) -- all thanks to Old Spice Swagger! Tony, all your fans at Gaytona.com hope this will be a super year for you, and that whatever happens in NASCAR, you'll be yapping about it to everyone who'll listen. |
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